imma reblog the shit outta this

beachsloth:

Up presents Bestiality

               Up presents the wholesome, family-friendly bestiality addition.  Ras and Carolyn treat Up as a love child. Since they are exposing this two-issue old lit magazine to bestiality, I think they are raising literature to the level of pornography or pornography to the level of literature. I am not certain of the order. What I do know is any magazine that starts things off with a cover of two horses with their cocks dangling to and fro is a friend of mine. 

                Janey Smith starts things off in style. I adore ant eaters. They never get enough of that sweet human love. And they do so much, eating ants, being affectionate, not having cartoons made about them. I really enjoy this poem but then I enjoy most things by Janey, including her contribution to NewWaveVomit. 

                Russ Woods owns a dog. I need to mention that before we proceed. He writes poems about dog fucking. Sara, the character of the poem, wants nothing more than to love her dog. Not by taking him for a walk, but by licking the dog’s inner ear. Since dogs have such acute hearing anyway, this may be the best way to attract a dog. 

                Eduardo Quinones is a young, strapping buck. I can’t believe he’s only twenty. Maybe I’m growing too old for the alt lit game. Polar bears have an insane sex drive I imagine. How else can they handle all that cold and still be horny. I follow him on twitter. 

                Chad Redden is amazing. Cartoonish violence, sexual milking and Charlotte’s web are all thrown into a giant morass of words. It is a lot of fun. I like the layout he uses for each part. Animals don’t have it easy in this particular poem. That farmer is totally unchill. I feel for that special pig. I wish the spider could save the pig instead of watching him turn to bacon. And that’s just the beginning of this stream of madness. 

                N.T. is one of those crazy anonymous online presence deals. I don’t know why people can’t write under their own names. The first poem discusses some movie I’ve never seen. The way N.T. describes it means I should probably see it at some point. For the second poem N.T. goes to the zoo and becomes mad with love. 

                Beach Sloth comes next. Wait a minute, that’s me. Yep, I have made my ‘online debut’ into poetry. Glad to be surrounded by so much talent. I kept it silly. Read it. I give it an 8.3. I’m digging it. But let me know what you think. Do you love it, hate, and what do you think I should turn into poetry next. I’m the internet’s busiest online sloth. 

                Jackson Nieuwland was born a unicorn. Through the power of an Old Italian and through truth-telling, his nose stopped growing and he became a real boy. While some say the poem is fictitious, I don’t think so. I mean, next you’re going to tell me Jackson is 6 foot 11’ and lives in some random island in the South Pacific. Sheer madness, I assure you. 

                KJ Lee writes about doe, a deer, a female deer but nothing about ray a drop of golden sun. Does are sexy. They make you fall off your motorcycle. They seduce you through their luxurious looks. Why else would Disney have that whole movie about Bambi? 

                J. A. Tyler digs deer too. The sixth house is terrifying. Unlike the previous deer poem, they are fighting man. They are losing. Bears and foxes come, searching for deer. Deer brothers hide. This last deer waits in the sixth house. Some cryptic stuff happens. It seems very dark. 

                Benjamin King presents us with three stories for our consideration. ‘Kiss/Love’ brings us back to that gooey, slobbery kind of love. It is the kind of love that swallows you whole, because it’s the kind of love that unhinges its jaw to better devour you my dear. In ‘Smaller’ it sucks to be that guy. 

                Steve Roggenbuck has a great contribution. I like Steve’s stuff. That’s obvious I think. This is a bit different from his usual persona. In this poem Steve turns off the wild energy and delivers a sincere love poem from rural Michigan. It is raining outside but that doesn’t stop him. Nope, it only adds to the wistful, tender feeling of the entire poem. Please watch the video to see a different side of Steve. 

                Derek Lessard has a sweet, spacious poem about taking a Facebook fast. Once the Facebook fast begins, you notice new things, animals that haven’t gone on Facebook yet, that are still on Myspace. Christmas feels voyeuristic. It is standing in a sad living room of people who don’t like each other anymore. 

                Andrew Worthington is a dirty dog. He’s training himself. He’s failing. He judges other dogs for panting. He tries to control his breathing. He can’t do it. Will he be a ‘good dog’ or a ‘bad dog’? Are those constructs even valid in the dog world or an outside system enforced by people, people who aren’t there? 

                C.P Harrison is a seriously cool individual. I like the use of space for the poem. Usually he takes a minimalist approach to writing. I enjoy it. Pieces of phrases are broken up for emotional and story line impact. The ending is my favorite part. 

                Sian S. Rathore is famous in the alt lit scene in England. She is putting the English into the English. Her food speaks to her. That doesn’t surprise me. Food in England generally isn’t cooked very well. At least a bass managed to escape and warn her about crossing the road. 

                Scott Jardany Lewis has an unusual take on breakfast. Maybe he feels bad about eating unborn birds. Or maybe he thinks it is delicious. You can tell there’s a certain worry about the whole affair of eating something that could have been alive. 

                J/J Hastain knows about bestiality. This may be the hottest thing in the whole danged collection. It is so explicit. I like the precise quality of the language. It feels too explicit, like there is something I’m not supposed to hear. Yet I hear it all. It is a tad disturbing. 

                Cassandra Troyan has bizarre conversations with her parents. I don’t understand how her parents can say all those things in a five minute period. Part of me hopes she prompted them. Though if her parents read her poem at least they’ll be certain she listens to them. 

                Ana C. ends it with an interview. She is one of the most powerful people in the entire alt lit-o-sphere. Jackson Nieuwland asks her about bestiality and has her Google stuff on a public computer about it. We learn about Ana’s innermost thoughts on the issues. We also learn about animal rugs and all sorts of delightful creepiness. Glad this interview exists. 

                I am glad Up exists. This is a great publication doing remarkable things. Each one of these people contributes so much to society in general. Who knows, maybe in a few years there will be an HBO special about UP magazine? Or it could also be on Showtime. Come to think of it, I think UP and Showtime goes hand in hand. David Duchovny can narrate.